AFL 2 years ago

Tigers Bolt to Federation

  • Tigers Bolt to Federation

This week Geelong takes on the might of Richmond and their massive army of membership-card burning supporters. After making the finals for the last three years and being told by the coach that their list was the best it has ever been, those supporters could be forgiven for being confused about where their team currently sits.

In fact the whole club could also be forgiven for feeling this way. Even the list manager, he couldn’t decide whether to recruit Marc-on or Mark-ov, so he had a little each way and selected them both. I can understand this bewilderment and I believe I know where it stems from. The culprit seems to be their club song. Yes, that rousing anthem which is the envy of all other supporters. (especially North Melbourne) But lurking within these revered strains is the phrase “Oh, we’re from Tigerland.”

Tigerland? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think this place actually exists. Extensive investigation has revealed nothing, even going so far as to check an actual atlas. Tierra Del Fuego Argentina, Tifton USA, Tiganesti Romania, Tighina Moldova. Not one mention of this so-called Tigerland. Perhaps it sits smack-bang in the middle of Atlantis and Shangri-la. No wonder they’re confused.

And while we’re on the subject of discrepant elements in sport, this week has also seen superstar swimmer Michael Phelps claim his 21st Olympic gold medal. (With the chance of more to come.) While I acknowledge Phelps is a magnificent athlete, surely his tally of medals has been padded out by swimming’s wont to stage races of progressively oddball strokes, such as breast stroke, back stroke and butterfly. Are they really required? I’m sure that Usain Bolt’s medal tally would be similarly impressive if he were able to compete in the 100 metre backwards run, or a medley that also includes hopping and skipping.

But those swimming strokes are not the silliest events at the Olympics; that title goes to another event. “Solo synchronized swimming?’ you ask. No, but that was a very good guess. After being introduced at the 1984 Los Angeles, this mind-blowingly sarcastic event was discontinued after Barcelona in 1992.

There is another.

We have all seen numerous sci-fi movies where members of the Galactic Federation (or some such title) visit Earth only to inform us that we cannot join them due to humankind’s one major flaw. We always think that it is because we are too violent. But in actuality this is not the case, there is much violence out in the wider universe, and some of it even accepted. Our exclusion stems from our twisted perversion of staging walking events at athletics meets. The object of these races is to move slowly as fast as we can. We might as well see who can whisper the loudest or find out who is the tallest short person. In the immortal words of Homer J Simpson, “Doh!!”

So next time you get the chance,

Vote 1 – Ban the Walk


Vote 1 – Join the Federation.


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